Game Over

Dig

One and a half week ago was my last day at work. It was my last day of doing normal work and right now, as i posted in my Facebook account, its more difficult to explain what I do. At the very least, I dont have to deal with bureacracy and politics of ‘work’. 

Its pretty hard getting used to my new arrangement, right now I work from home (or from anywhere I like). Its still hard getting myself out of bed, its still hard going to sleep early, its still hard to focus on doing something when you have a game console or the TV or the freedom to sleep again if you feel like it. Freedom and responsibility should be in perfect balance and in perfect harmony. For the past 2 days, I havent been working. I have been crappishly saying that ‘yeah tomorrow I would wake up early’ and guess what.. I havent. I promised myself that without the burden of commute, I could turn my 2 hour commute to something productive like going down to the clubhouse for a few laps or play some hoops. Guess what, still nothing. I promised myself that I would get things organized, to work on sorting my paperwork, sorting my stuff and cleaning the house.. Guess what, doing the laundry is the most productive thing I’ve done for my place the past week. 

As everything around me seems to be new and familiar at the same time, the lack of socialization is driving me, slowly, inch by inch, towards insanity. I still go out either to eat or to drag myself to the nearest coffeeshop to work. A friend visited me last week to talk about business, and my dad dropped by a while ago to remind me to scan my mothers document (or probably drag me out of the house to have it scanned outside —since my scanner is mechanically borked). I think as of now, everything is still a mess. Sometimes, all the shit seems to be compounding and my head breaks down and blacks out about things I really need to do. Its kinda depressing but its a chicken and egg cycle if I dont act on it. How much do I need to dig to remind myself that digging shit deeper would entail me clawing out of the hole in a more difficult fashion. 

I need to pull myself together. Im lucky enough to be blessed with a type of work that doesnt require me to drive, to commute or to waste time on the road. Im lucky enough to be blessed with a work which pays higher than industry standards. Im blessed to have colleagues smarter and better than me which I could learn from. Im blessed with superiors who think that new technology is not something to be feared, but something to be embraced. 

I might not be changing the world with my current work, but guess what.. Having all the free time from this, maybe I could use it for something else which could.. change the world. 

Swirl

Sometimes you get to the point that you think about a lot of things, a million of things swirling around your head and then everything goes blank. The sound of silence is the only thing you could hear. 

Like a rock tied to your neck as you’re hurled down to the ocean. The momentary struggle to survive then after a few second you hear a faint sound, you see a faint glimmer of light and then silence. 

“Reality isnt so kind” -Squall

I have seen a fair share of shit in this world. I’ve given my fair share of complaints and whining but thats just how the world works. The world has no place for the weak. As one of my mentors would say, “I just have to stomach it.” A large part of me still thinks that theres some good left in this world. But at times, I just think “Yeah, whatever.” 

Mic Test

After this week, I would have to subject myself into some kind of personal adjustment. I would gain the freedom of being able to go anywhere in the world, to be on vacation anytime I want, and as a fitting sacrifice, give up the small conveniences of being paid while slacking off. Life counted by the hour. I think I would have more time to read, to do the stuff I like, to exercise, to play games, to watch TV.. Its exciting and scary. 

Change is always scary, but would you rather be stagnant or embrace the fear of the uncertain? 

Bahala na si Batman. 

Sapul

Reading back. 

“It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but its even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.”

Putangina. Solid. 

Sluggish

My body is starting to take the toll. Having too many responsibilities is quite overwhelming. 

In an Alternate Universe

In an alternate universe, there was a knock on my door. Without saying, without that struggle to be understood, everything fell into order. 

But then again, I was always wrong in the first place. Despite trying to be understood, every word is just but another shovel worth of dirt in the unexpected dig of my own grave. This is my universe, this is my reality (sadly). 

I smile as I remembered being called a coward. I look outward into the night sky and smile, I know for a fact that without any ifs and buts, without any hesitations, without fear.. I tried. 

I may not be the most perfect person, but maybe just the thought that people rally behind me.. That people supports me.. And me supporting them.. I must be doing something right in my life.

When Home Doesnt Feel Like Home

I was going through old pictures. This year im spending my Christmas in the Philippines, much like every Christmas for the past 23 years. I realized that last year was different. As our closest relatives moved out of the country, my sister and my mom both outside of the country.. I felt like last Christmas was special. 

For a fact, we were not really cohesive as a family, but at the very least.. For several days in the cold months of December.. You really appreciate what you have after being apart from them for so long. Its like everybody in Cali gathers up in LA to celebrate Christmas. Its like, even if im not that close with everybody.. The thought that everybody gathers around.. Thats something special. 

This Christmas, my sister is in Canada.. My mother in LA.. My dad on a separate house in the same city. Its like the four of us are living different lives. Apparently, it makes you appreciate the times you spent together as a complete family. Despite disagreements, yeah, you will appreciate things when they’re gone. Some people just dont realize such. 

Despite being anti-social, despite hating Christmas altogether.. I think being with my family is one of the best thing about last years Christmas. But I guess, if we were all bundled up together again..We’d all be in each others throats. :) Being apart from the people you love makes you appreciate them even more. So I guess for our family, its better this way.. But we do need to see each other from time to time. 

Cheers to a lousy Christmas!

* I was supposed to send this to someone. But I guess its better that effort would lead that person here. If you read my blog, *apir* I love you even more for taking the effort to know me better. At least that makes me feel less sad about being unfriended in FB. lol. 

- 111218 Entry. Back after being gone for 2 months. 

Drunken advice, immaturity and relationships

Asking your significant other to be fair is immature and askingexpecting them to do what you want them to do by doing it to them or setting an example is totally idealistic. The world is not perfect; there is no balance between good and badevil - right or wrong. There will always be flaws and unfairness, mistakes and lies, expectations and letdowns. You will never get what you give since Life is not fair. Yan ang katotohanan and it hurts.

It doesn’t matter how faithful or loving you are in your relationship with respect to the world or in reality for that matter. It will not merit to anything when sparks start to fly across the room. It will mean nothing when the rarity of the moment comes into play. Dadating ang situation where you will be taken for granted – for better or for worse. All that is and all that will be on that very moment will only be who you are and your moral fiber. It is where we get our decisions for our actions from that will define us for who we are.

Don’t expect too much from someone you can’t change nor understand. Potah mas maganda pa nga if you just mind your own business and let Life happen. Love because you want to love and not because you want to be loved in return. Express your feelings because you need to and not because you want others to express how they feel towards you and hope that you will both have the same feelings for each other and believe that there is a connection in the space between. Asa ka pa. It is not a game of who loves more than who nor is it a moment to regret for the rest of your life.

Kung talagang in love ka, your heart will never be stolen by someone unless you want it to be taken. Why? Tangina, basic logic will dictate that nothing will be taken if there was nothing to take in the first place diba? When you’re in love, you give your heart to that special someone.

Pag nagsimula ka nang mag-mahal, you start to let go of your defenses and start to hope for a lot of things. Like hoping that she will not take away whatever little dignity and self respect that you have left or that she will see something in you that would make her stay. You start to act dumb and stupid, feel guilty and sad. Only to realize that you have given all that you can give and yet somehow, you are still not good enough.

Don’t waste your time on pondering senseless what ifs and what nots. Sayang lang ang effort. So what if you are uncertain of the times ahead? There will be changes, there will be questions but the thing is to know what questions are important and to be able to answer those questions. Mas ok nalang siguro if we just let things be and leave out the solicitation of assurances as it only brings in more hope, expectations and pressure to live up to those promises.

Ang sinasabi ko lang is that it’s ok to fall in love head over heels, leche just bring lots of bandage. 

Tagay pa nga.

-Andy || Nov. 10, 2008 08:50 AM

Somehow, I remember that post from a friend of mine way back in 2008. He’s happily married now, to his girlfriend for 10 years. 

Ask

Have you asked yourself lately, “What are you waiting for?” 

Sometimes, we create reasons to inhibit ourselves from true happiness. Not everyone sees the world through my eyes. Sadly.