Sometimes, those things shouldnt matter. You dont care or give a shit. But for some reason, it leaves an awful taste in the mouth. Im thinking of a very good example right now.
For some weird reason, I closed my eyes and listened to solo piano as i typed away. Still thinking.. Hmmm..
Ah. Perhaps much like, eating milk chocolate and then drinking orange juice. Its like knowing what orange juice would taste like and then still chugging it down. Perhaps distaste is leaving an awful taste in the mouth despite you know it would not taste good.
I have no qualms or complaints with whats going on, taste? yeah, some just dont have none. People change, despite the fact that you try to help, you end up being the bad guy. Check. Devoting a large part of your life being idealistically positive trying to change what was wrong, then end up being shrugged like a dandruff in the shoulder..
Yeah, I knew those would happen. It just leaves a bad taste in the mouth.
I’m pretty surprised to have a sense of idealism left in me, despite knowing how fucked up this world is. Maybe its time for me not to give a shit, I’m pretty much doing fine on my own if you ask me.
The rain pours outside my window. I dont really care much about how the weather would be like the next day. I dont care because I will be at home. Im drinking my ass out on a Monday. Yeah, drinking.
As my life slowly swirls in order, more like stacking the blocks of Uno Stacko slowly and neatly, a part of me wants to kick the fucking shit out of it. Yes, kick. the. fucking. shit. out of. it.
Sometimes I dont know what I want to do with my life anymore. Its like my head is here, there and everywhere. Its like an inconsiderate massacre of braincells.
How it feels like the world is moving when I myself stay stationary. Im drowning again, perhaps.
One and a half week ago was my last day at work. It was my last day of doing normal work and right now, as i posted in my Facebook account, its more difficult to explain what I do. At the very least, I dont have to deal with bureacracy and politics of ‘work’.
Its pretty hard getting used to my new arrangement, right now I work from home (or from anywhere I like). Its still hard getting myself out of bed, its still hard going to sleep early, its still hard to focus on doing something when you have a game console or the TV or the freedom to sleep again if you feel like it. Freedom and responsibility should be in perfect balance and in perfect harmony. For the past 2 days, I havent been working. I have been crappishly saying that ‘yeah tomorrow I would wake up early’ and guess what.. I havent. I promised myself that without the burden of commute, I could turn my 2 hour commute to something productive like going down to the clubhouse for a few laps or play some hoops. Guess what, still nothing. I promised myself that I would get things organized, to work on sorting my paperwork, sorting my stuff and cleaning the house.. Guess what, doing the laundry is the most productive thing I’ve done for my place the past week.
As everything around me seems to be new and familiar at the same time, the lack of socialization is driving me, slowly, inch by inch, towards insanity. I still go out either to eat or to drag myself to the nearest coffeeshop to work. A friend visited me last week to talk about business, and my dad dropped by a while ago to remind me to scan my mothers document (or probably drag me out of the house to have it scanned outside —since my scanner is mechanically borked). I think as of now, everything is still a mess. Sometimes, all the shit seems to be compounding and my head breaks down and blacks out about things I really need to do. Its kinda depressing but its a chicken and egg cycle if I dont act on it. How much do I need to dig to remind myself that digging shit deeper would entail me clawing out of the hole in a more difficult fashion.
I need to pull myself together. Im lucky enough to be blessed with a type of work that doesnt require me to drive, to commute or to waste time on the road. Im lucky enough to be blessed with a work which pays higher than industry standards. Im blessed to have colleagues smarter and better than me which I could learn from. Im blessed with superiors who think that new technology is not something to be feared, but something to be embraced.
I might not be changing the world with my current work, but guess what.. Having all the free time from this, maybe I could use it for something else which could.. change the world.
Sometimes you get to the point that you think about a lot of things, a million of things swirling around your head and then everything goes blank. The sound of silence is the only thing you could hear.
Like a rock tied to your neck as you’re hurled down to the ocean. The momentary struggle to survive then after a few second you hear a faint sound, you see a faint glimmer of light and then silence.
“Reality isnt so kind” -Squall
I have seen a fair share of shit in this world. I’ve given my fair share of complaints and whining but thats just how the world works. The world has no place for the weak. As one of my mentors would say, “I just have to stomach it.” A large part of me still thinks that theres some good left in this world. But at times, I just think “Yeah, whatever.”
After this week, I would have to subject myself into some kind of personal adjustment. I would gain the freedom of being able to go anywhere in the world, to be on vacation anytime I want, and as a fitting sacrifice, give up the small conveniences of being paid while slacking off. Life counted by the hour. I think I would have more time to read, to do the stuff I like, to exercise, to play games, to watch TV.. Its exciting and scary.
Change is always scary, but would you rather be stagnant or embrace the fear of the uncertain?
Bahala na si Batman.
“It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but its even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.”
My body is starting to take the toll. Having too many responsibilities is quite overwhelming.
In an alternate universe, there was a knock on my door. Without saying, without that struggle to be understood, everything fell into order.
But then again, I was always wrong in the first place. Despite trying to be understood, every word is just but another shovel worth of dirt in the unexpected dig of my own grave. This is my universe, this is my reality (sadly).
I smile as I remembered being called a coward. I look outward into the night sky and smile, I know for a fact that without any ifs and buts, without any hesitations, without fear.. I tried.
I may not be the most perfect person, but maybe just the thought that people rally behind me.. That people supports me.. And me supporting them.. I must be doing something right in my life.
I was going through old pictures. This year im spending my Christmas in the Philippines, much like every Christmas for the past 23 years. I realized that last year was different. As our closest relatives moved out of the country, my sister and my mom both outside of the country.. I felt like last Christmas was special.
For a fact, we were not really cohesive as a family, but at the very least.. For several days in the cold months of December.. You really appreciate what you have after being apart from them for so long. Its like everybody in Cali gathers up in LA to celebrate Christmas. Its like, even if im not that close with everybody.. The thought that everybody gathers around.. Thats something special.
This Christmas, my sister is in Canada.. My mother in LA.. My dad on a separate house in the same city. Its like the four of us are living different lives. Apparently, it makes you appreciate the times you spent together as a complete family. Despite disagreements, yeah, you will appreciate things when they’re gone. Some people just dont realize such.
Despite being anti-social, despite hating Christmas altogether.. I think being with my family is one of the best thing about last years Christmas. But I guess, if we were all bundled up together again..We’d all be in each others throats. :) Being apart from the people you love makes you appreciate them even more. So I guess for our family, its better this way.. But we do need to see each other from time to time.
Cheers to a lousy Christmas!
* I was supposed to send this to someone. But I guess its better that effort would lead that person here. If you read my blog, *apir* I love you even more for taking the effort to know me better. At least that makes me feel less sad about being unfriended in FB. lol.
- 111218 Entry. Back after being gone for 2 months.